January 29 I think there is choice possible to us at any moment, as long as we live . . . There is a choice, and the rest falls away. —Muriel Rukeyser Liberating Ourselves from Our “Shoulds” Do you have a long list of things you should do, or that you have to do? Do you ever catch yourself saying, “I have to go to work,” or “I have to go home to let the dog out,” or “I have to go home and make dinner for the family”? Every time you tell yourself that you have to do something, you disconnect yourself from the needs you’re trying to meet, and you diminish the joy in your life. Try to translate your “shoulds” and “have tos” into the need you are trying to meet. Translating “I have to go to work” into “I’m going to work because I value the income it provides my family” is more empowering. Similarly, “I’m going home to let the dog out because I want her to be comfortable” or “I’m going to go home to make a nice dinner for my family because I really want them to eat healthy” can bring ...
Do you get into “right fights”? You know you’re in one when you’re arguing with somebody in order to be right or because you want to win. In these arguments we are rarely trying to connect. Being right is the name of the game. Why do we do this? For many, it is an attempt to meet needs for safety, acceptance and understanding. What we usually receive, though, is discontentment, discord, and hopelessness. What would happen if we wanted to connect more than we wanted to be right or to win arguments? This theme is actually my personal mantra. In charged conversations, it can be easy to forget our goal to connect because we are so experienced in right fights. Consider trying to center yourself in these moments by asking yourself, “What do I want? What needs do I hope to meet from winning or being right?” No matter what the situation is, try this answer: “To connect!” And ask, “Am I likely to be successful if I say what is on the tip of my tongue?” Invariably, the answer is no. ...